I write a lot about all the things I perceive myself to be doing wrong, and I rarely actually do anything to change them. This summarizes my character quite neatly; inaction. I don’t do PhD work, I don’t do much other work, I am not doing social things currently. One major thing I noticed is that I don’t prepare food at all. I actually cannot bear too. I have had this in the past, where I have resorted only to convenience foods (meal deals). I can’t even bear to heat up a ready meal. I’m not quite sure why I am so averse to it. I understand with eating disorders/disordered eating that eating not enough or too much can be the problem, but I have never known anyone to be averse to the preparation of food, rather than the eating of it. There are a great many shameful things I feel when it comes to eating. I don’t like to eat in front of people, I don’t like to eat in public, and I don’t like to eat at work either. These all can fall under the eating in front of people umbrella. I developed a shame for eating when I was younger, I was overweight from a young age because I chose food as a way to medicate for my feelings of unease. People commented, including family members. Others tormented me for it. That feeling of total worthlessness has never truly gone away, I can feel myself choking up, tears in my eyes even thinking about how I was treated on the playground. When I perceive myself to fail at something, be it a game or some kind of work, that worthlessness comes flooding back. I can’t think of any other person in the world who I would wish this upon. I feel totally dissatisfied, moving from one fix to the next, without any real attempt to solve the problem of disconnection, alienation and tepid despair.
I keep finding myself in a position where I just can’t bring myself to go and do some PhD work. Days go by and days go by, and then I have to think about how to explain this to my supervisors, who have generously agreed to meet weekly to help keep me on track. They have no obligation whatsoever to do so, but they do it, and I am fortunate for that. I stay up late at night because I know that I don’t want to wake up the following day, even writing this post is a distraction, it is past midnight. I got out of bed at 4pm today, and I joked about this with a friend, but deep down I feel pretty ashamed of this. I keep doing these same things day after day, buying bad foods, eating hidden away in my room, avoiding people and things, trying desperately to distract myself from how I feel, staying up until 2am, and repeat. If I had to speculate at the truth, I suppose I would think that it is because I somehow enjoy this, it is bearable to me and it is not. It is bearable in the sense that it is all I can tolerate. I could do with someone to help get me to do the things I need to do, but I don’t really know how to get that when I spend each day feverishly avoiding people. Tomorrow night I have a one to one gym session with a trainer, to assess my fitness and set some goals. I have already re-arranged it twice, because when the time approaches I let that voice inside convince me to go home and self-soothe and to do it another day. I constantly regret these micro-decisions after the fact. I think of them as micro-decisions because I spend a great deal of time thinking about something, but it is only in one moment that I decide to make a bad choice about it, like rearranging this session instead of just fucking going for it. Tomorrow at 5pm I have this gym session, if you feel like it, would you mind following up with me about it? Perhaps if I imagine that there is someone who can hold me accountable, I might be more likely to do it. Who could possibly know?